23 things from my point of view

One thing about turning 50 is you can look back over your life and (hopefully) see how you have grown and matured emotionally and well, psychologically, over the last few decades.  This thought came to me last week when I was watching the Today Show and they were discussing an article that appeared in the Huffington post earlier in the month entitled "23 Things Every Woman Should Stop Doing".  I listened to their discussions and then decided I wanted to read the article in its entirety because I was sure I had done each of these things more than once in my life.  If there was ever a woman who sabotaged herself, whether knowingly or unknowingly, to live up to some type of societal expectations, it was me.
To my surprise, I could not honestly say "yep, that was me" to all of  them. In fact, many of them I could not relate to in any way.  But, there were several that  did resonate with me from my past, and a couple that touched a nerve with me even now at my supposedly "enlightened" age:

1. Apologizing all the time. Research has shown that women actually do say “sorry” more often than men. We’re all for taking responsibility when you make a mistake -- but constantly apologizing for having your waiter split the check or asking a date to hang out on a different night or telling a friend about your problems, does There’s no need to qualify everything you do. Own your preferences and decisions.

   Oh yes...that was definitely me...and I have my moments even now.  But, I like to think I do it much less often and only when an apology is REALLY warranted.  Over the years, I realized when I did this I was basically saying that my schedule, opinion and problems were always of  lesser importance than everyone else's!

5. Body-snarking -- out loud or in your own head. Stop putting your looks down, period. Nothing good will ever come of it, unless you’re working through body issues with your therapist.
  I wasn't sure if I had ever done this so I had to look up the definition.  According to the Urban dictionary, body snarking is  
 to rudely talk about a persons body or body parts, whether in private or directly at the person; 
the snide, often witty comments, about other women's bodies, that have become a part of female conversation; 
the practice of dissecting other women's bodies; 
to make mean or vicious comments about another persons body

 Of course, the body referred to  in this article  is our own. Now I am not sure why the urban dictionary had to come up with a new term for something that has been going on forever probably, but in my day it was called 'hating your body' as in " I hate my ____ " and you just filled in the body part which you hated the most that day.  By the way, a big YES I definitely did this!!  Have you seen THIS body????  (Ok, maybe the sentence shouldn't be in the past tense!)   

I complained so much in my twenties about the 6 pack abs I could never achieve and about the DD breasts I would never have ( or the double B for that matter!!)  And, unfortunately things have not gotten better for women in the 30 years that have passed since I struggled with my teeny weeny breasts. In fact, in many ways, women are made to feel that their worth is in direct proportion to the size of their boobs. These days it's all about cleavage and showing off "the girls".  Why else are millions of  teens, twenty somethings and newly divorced women willing to undergo major surgery to have their breasts enlarged?  Most of them will tell you it is because it makes them feel "more like a real woman."  And, let's face it..the message going out to women today is just that: if you don't have a great set of knockers, forget about being: noticed/hired/promoted/desired.  

Is it still an issue for me?  Sure, there are days when I wonder if I should have had that surgery myself.  However,  I have also matured enough spiritually to accept that I am "fearfully and wonderfully made" and why should I continually condemn what God put together.  I remember a button my friend Maureen brought home after one of her Encounter Weekends in college. It said " I'm special 'cause God don't make junk" or something to that effect.   I have had to remind myself of that many times over my life and I think it may be finally settling in my soul.  I am learning to work with what I've been given (body-wise) and no longer focus on that which I will never have.  And what a load that has taken off of my mind!

16. Worrying that your life doesn’t look like Pinterest. You are not Martha Stewart. You will probably never make that DIY floating bookshelf. And your Eggocado will never look as delicious as this one does.

 Thank goodness there was no Pinterest or Facebook around when I was younger---jeez it's  hard enough to deal with this stuff now when I am pretty content with who I am--my 25 year old self would not have done well at all.  Even now I have brief moments of seeing someone's Facebook pictures of outings with their kids and feel completely inadequate.  Or as I am searching a particular recipe on a food blog, I decide to read about the blogger only to find out she homeschools her 7 children while designing the cutest nurseries and teaching classes on how to grow and can your own food. Oh, and she and her husband renovated their farmhouse during the three years he was in Law School.  

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! I can't take another blog site like this--but I have to because these are the ones where I find the absolute best recipes!!  Darn you food blogger moms---why do you have to be so  perfect!

17. Fearing being alone. There are certain things you have control over -- like trying to go on dates, and actively meeting new people -- and others which you simply don’t. Finding a life partner (or even a temporary one) is one of those things. You can’t pinpoint when or where or how you’ll meet someone to spend your life with, so stop freaking yourself out over the idea that you never will. And there are far worse things than being alone. “The most profound relationship we'll ever have is the one with ourselves,”Shirley MacLaine once said. Preach.

 Alright...now they are getting very close to pinning the tail on Julie!  This was me in a nutshell---and I drove myself crazy for a period of about 10 years because of it.  Am I glad now that I didn't marry until I was 30?  Definitely.  Looking back, I realize how important it is for women to establish themselves as their primary caretaker. Too many women count on their future husband to be their caretaker,and their finance/retirement plan and never have the satisfaction of knowing they can make it own their own     Am I mad at myself for being so anxious and crazy over this for all those years? Totally. Why I was unable to trust God to provide a husband in the same way he had provided everything else in my life I will never understand. And I am still disappointed in my lack of faith--which is what it really was. Nevertheless, I can see now that I needed to be at a certain age and maturity level to take on the husband and immediate family the Lord was preparing for me. 

23. Setting deadlines for major life events. Don’t try to meticulously plan out when you should find love or have babies or get that dream job or buy that amazing brownstone. Enjoy the uncertainty of life and allow yourself to be overjoyed when you hit those milestones or pleasantly surprised when you realize you want to skip out on some of them altogether.

I remember thinking "if I am 26 and not married, I am going to_______" and the fill in the blank would vary from move to the tip of Africa, quit my job and become a nun in Austria (think Maria in the Sound of Music...who coincidentally found her husband while she was a nun) or have a baby with the sperm bank (this was my thinking during my I-hate-men-and-don't-need-them-to-live-a-happy-life moments).

Well, as it turns out, I was not married at 26 or 27 or 28....and I never did any of the things the younger version of me threatened to do.  Why? Because life was actually pretty fun at those ages and, although I still desperately wanted to get married, I was living a great life in my late 20's, with wonderful friends and a job I enjoyed. I had finished graduate school, had my own place, was involved with a great Young Life group in the area and traveled to many places around the country.  I remember a dear patient of mine telling me back then to just enjoy the life I had and follow the path God was leading me and do the work He was calling me to do.  And, just like Ruth, who went about her life living and serving wherever God directed her, I would surely find my Boaz. And, what do you know, this precious lady was absolutely right. Was it at the spot on the timeline that I thought it should be?  Not even close!  And I am ever glad it wasn't because I would have missed out on so many trips and so many friendships and some great times in ministry had my deadlines been met.

So that is my list.  And I am still working on some of these even today.  But, thankfully, one of the good things about getting older is the ability to find contentment and satisfaction in the life you have and not feeling pressure to be somebody-or something- you are not.  

If you are interested in reading the Huff Post article in full to see how many you can relate to, here is the link:http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/09/11/23-things-every-woman-should-stop-doing_n_3908151.html